January 24, 2017. 7:55 PM
I woke up at 6 this morning, right before I got a text from Jane. She says she's having a break down. That she needs to talk. That she's cutting. I end up calling her while sitting in my bathroom floor, puking from the chest cold I have. We're on the phone until 10 AM, but around 8 she mentions that Willow says she should check herself in to the psychiatric hospital. I knew Jane would be cautious about this because she had gone before. Not on her own will, but by force. By the time we got off the phone, I had convinced her, and myself, that this was in her best interest. But as soon as I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but cry. I laid in bed for 2 hours while texting my cousin and telling her that I'm not sure I could handle this. She calls me and we talk until 1:30 PM. Jane was still home and hadn't left yet, but I couldn't control my crying. Jane asked me to call the hospital and ask about the cost, and I was on the phone with them before switching back to my phone call with my cousin. I had settled down for the most part, and had to talk to Jane about the hospital multiple more times before she finally decided that it's truly the best option for her. She left for the hospital at 5:30 PM. Since then, I have been crying uncontrollably. I keep thinking about how we fought so much about Willow. She told me she was scared when she was around Willow. I told her I knew that; I had always known that. She was stuck; she knows she loves me, and I do too, but she continues to ask herself what that scared feeling means. Willow has always been toxic for her. I am more afraid of her safety and stability than I am my happiness. I'm terrified that Willow is going to be so bad for her but she'll continue to go back because she's familiar. I keep feeling as if I pushed her to make a decision, even though I've told her so many times that she doesn't have to make a decision right now. I feel like I could have done more to stop her depression from progressing to where it has. If I would have seen from the beginning how toxic Willow was for her, maybe I could have stopped the progression. I keep blaming myself and I know I can't do that but I keep doing it anyway. She means much more to me than most people do and I don't know what I'm going to do without talking to her everyday. She's my rock; the one constant in my life. And right now, she's gone to work on herself. And I know that it's for the best. But I'm so, so scared that I may not be as much of a positive in her life that I think I am and that she'll end up cutting me off. I keep playing through scenarios of what happens if Willow can visit her everyday she's there and I can't? That makes it more possible for Jane to fall back in love with her. I live too far away to be there every day, especially since I don't have a car. Willow lives less than 30 minutes away from her so visiting isn't a problem. I'm so terrified of what's to come for her and for me and for us. And for how long she's going to stay or if they'll let her out sooner than they think they will. I'm terrified of what's to come.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
An Introduction
I want to start this blog off by telling you of the emotional journey I'm about to begin. This is a lesbian romance, so while my blogs may not all be about our relationship, it may come up. If you are not open about mental illness or LGBT rights, then please exit this blog now as I am not in the mindset to deal with hate or ignorance.
I want to start off by explaining the nature of our relationship. For purposes of this blog, I will be referring to my lover as Jane. Jane and I met in June and from the beginning, the relationship was different. I am bisexual, so I've had relationships with women and men, but I can honestly say I have never been so attached to a person or been so attracted to anyone. We met online, and within 2 weeks we were already calling each other "babe" and making promises to see each other. We only lived an hour away at that point, so it wasn't that difficult to do. For the rest of the summer, we spent a good portion of our time together. We laughed, we talked. We would stay up on the phone until 10 in the morning. She would call as soon as she left my house and we would talk until one of us had something else to do or fell asleep. The only problem with this situation is that we aren't dating.
We started this "thing" knowing that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I respected that because I would be leaving for college soon and wasn't sure what that would mean for us. I was okay with it because waiting for her was worth it--is worth it. Even though we didn't get to see each other as often when I left for school (we went from the weekend I left for school at the end of August to Halloween weekend without seeing each other), everything was going perfectly fine. Up until Mid-October when her ex came back to reconcile things. An ex who we'll call Willow. At first I thought it was good, because they had ended on bad terms and needed to clear the air. But then I started getting worried about what Willow was doing to Jane. Jane started getting progressively more depressed and pulling away from me. I knew she had depression and that Willow was a major trigger, so I warned her that it may be best to stay away. Instead though, they became sort of close friends. I'm not one of those people who thinks you can't be friends with an ex. But I am one of those people who has never been wrong about people liking other people (unless it comes to myself).
It is now January 24, 2017, and Jane and I have been "talking" since June. I feel as if this is enough background to begin with. If needed, I'll explain more as my journals arise.
I want to start off by explaining the nature of our relationship. For purposes of this blog, I will be referring to my lover as Jane. Jane and I met in June and from the beginning, the relationship was different. I am bisexual, so I've had relationships with women and men, but I can honestly say I have never been so attached to a person or been so attracted to anyone. We met online, and within 2 weeks we were already calling each other "babe" and making promises to see each other. We only lived an hour away at that point, so it wasn't that difficult to do. For the rest of the summer, we spent a good portion of our time together. We laughed, we talked. We would stay up on the phone until 10 in the morning. She would call as soon as she left my house and we would talk until one of us had something else to do or fell asleep. The only problem with this situation is that we aren't dating.
We started this "thing" knowing that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I respected that because I would be leaving for college soon and wasn't sure what that would mean for us. I was okay with it because waiting for her was worth it--is worth it. Even though we didn't get to see each other as often when I left for school (we went from the weekend I left for school at the end of August to Halloween weekend without seeing each other), everything was going perfectly fine. Up until Mid-October when her ex came back to reconcile things. An ex who we'll call Willow. At first I thought it was good, because they had ended on bad terms and needed to clear the air. But then I started getting worried about what Willow was doing to Jane. Jane started getting progressively more depressed and pulling away from me. I knew she had depression and that Willow was a major trigger, so I warned her that it may be best to stay away. Instead though, they became sort of close friends. I'm not one of those people who thinks you can't be friends with an ex. But I am one of those people who has never been wrong about people liking other people (unless it comes to myself).
It is now January 24, 2017, and Jane and I have been "talking" since June. I feel as if this is enough background to begin with. If needed, I'll explain more as my journals arise.
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