Day 1: The Day of Realization.

January 24, 2017. 7:55 PM
     I woke up at 6 this morning, right before I got a text from Jane. She says she's having a break down. That she needs to talk. That she's cutting. I end up calling her while sitting in my bathroom floor, puking from the chest cold I have. We're on the phone until 10 AM, but around 8 she mentions that Willow says she should check herself in to the psychiatric hospital. I knew Jane would be cautious about this because she had gone before. Not on her own will, but by force. By the time we got off the phone, I had convinced her, and myself, that this was in her best interest. But as soon as I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but cry. I laid in bed for 2 hours while texting my cousin and telling her that I'm not sure I could handle this. She calls me and we talk until 1:30 PM. Jane was still home and hadn't left yet, but I couldn't control my crying. Jane asked me to call the hospital and ask about the cost, and I was on the phone with them before switching back to my phone call with my cousin. I had settled down for the most part, and had to talk to Jane about the hospital multiple more times before she finally decided that it's truly the best option for her. She left for the hospital at 5:30 PM. Since then, I have been crying uncontrollably. I keep thinking about how we fought so much about Willow. She told me she was scared when she was around Willow. I told her I knew that; I had always known that. She was stuck; she knows she loves me, and I do too, but she continues to ask herself what that scared feeling means. Willow has always been toxic for her. I am more afraid of her safety and stability than I am my happiness. I'm terrified that Willow is going to be so bad for her but she'll continue to go back because she's familiar. I keep feeling as if I pushed her to make a decision, even though I've told her so many times that she doesn't have to make a decision right now. I feel like I could have done more to stop her depression from progressing to where it has. If I would have seen from the beginning how toxic Willow was for her, maybe I could have stopped the progression. I keep blaming myself and I know I can't do that but I keep doing it anyway. She means much more to me than most people do and I don't know what I'm going to do without talking to her everyday. She's my rock; the one constant in my life. And right now, she's gone to work on herself. And I know that it's for the best. But I'm so, so scared that I may not be as much of a positive in her life that I think I am and that she'll end up cutting me off. I keep playing through scenarios of what happens if Willow can visit her everyday she's there and I can't? That makes it more possible for Jane to fall back in love with her. I live too far away to be there every day, especially since I don't have a car. Willow lives less than 30 minutes away from her so visiting isn't a problem. I'm so terrified of what's to come for her and for me and for us. And for how long she's going to stay or if they'll let her out sooner than they think they will. I'm terrified of what's to come.